Session 2: Insecurity

INSECURITY ASSESSMENT

1.     If I haven’t heard from a friend in a while, I assume I’ve done something to offend her and she doesn’t like me anymore.

___ mostly true ­­­___ mostly false

2.     I am uncomfortable with my husband’s/boyfriend’s female coworkers/friends.

___ mostly true ­­­___ mostly false

3.     If someone compliments my appearance, I find myself unable to accept the compliment or I play it down. It’s hard to just say thank you.

___ mostly true ­­­___ mostly false

4.     I feel really stupid if I come to an event or meeting dressed down compared to everyone else.

___ mostly true ­­­___ mostly false

5.     I don’t like even my husband to see my body.

___ mostly true ­­­___ mostly false

6.     When I receive feedback at work about how to do something better, I find myself really crushed.

            ___ mostly true ­­­___ mostly false

7.     I have difficulty making decisions. Even after getting input from friends, family, or coworkers, I often second-guess my choice.

___ mostly true ­­­___ mostly false

8.     I love knowing that others approve of my choices.

___ mostly true ­­­___ mostly false

9.     When people speak abruptly or seem to be ignoring me, my first thought is I must have done something to offend them.

___ mostly true ­­­___ mostly false

10.                         I avoid those situations where I fear I might fail or appear not as capable as others.

___ mostly true ­­­___ mostly false

11.                         I think “Little Miss Critical” lives in my head and she has a lot to say whenever I faith to live up to my own standards.

___ mostly true ­­­___ mostly false

12.                         I sometimes do things for others that I don’t really want to do because I’m worried about what they would think if I said no.

___ mostly true ­­­___ mostly false

13.                         I sometimes compare myself to others and feel uncomfortable If I do not measure up.

___ mostly true ­­­___ mostly false

Review your responses to the insecurity assessment. Are you uncomfortable? Do you wish some of them weren’t true? Are you frustrated that some of the same issues you’ve had with appearance or approval since middle school continue to the plague you today? Here’s a disappointing reality of life: our emotions often defy our logic!

Session 2: Insecurity

Identifying our insecurities means exposing our core which can be an extremely scary yet, humbling experience. It’s much like peeling back the first layers of an onion and feeling the inevitable irritation to our eyes. As we remove more layers of the onion, it gets uncomfortable; irritation ensues, and turns to suffering. Finally, tears well up in our eyes, making it hard to see clearly.         

                                                             

*The more sulfur in an onion, the more potent that onion is.

*More insecurities inside us; the greater the suffering/irritation.

*Exposing our flaws will be painful & grieve us, because it grieves the Holy Spirit.

*Tears cleanse our eyes and make us see Christ more clearly and more dearly.      *Seeing more clearly will allow us to take our eyes off of ourselves, and the world, and onto Christ.

1.   DEFINE INSECURITY:

The specialist description of insecurity is: The insecure person also harbors unrealistic expectations of relationships. These expectations, for themselves or others, are often unconscious. The insecure person creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically, although insecure people are easily and frequently hurt, they are usually unaware of how they are in the accomplices unwitting accomplices in creating their own misery.

·        False beliefs/ideals (like we talked about in our last control session)

·        Many times we are ‘unaware’ of our insidious insecurities.

·        “Psycho-Cybernetics”: published in 1960, states: 95% of Americans have some sense of insecurity. This number may sound astounding to you, but sometimes we fail to see ourselves until we’ve seen our reflection in the word of God. We’ll discuss some of the following signs that are the masks we wear in an attempt to hide our insecurity, in this study.

2.     Identifying False Positives: one thing that we think would make us more secure in all things.

Think of a person believed to be secure, and determine what earthly thing he or she has that you don’t feel like you possess, at least in matching measure. That’s liable to be your prominent false positive.

Let’s identify…

… “You’re married to the most fabulous man in the world.”

Prominent false positive: a great man would make me secure.

… Look at this house! Girl, you really have it good.

Prominent false positive: possessions would make me secure.

… You got the best personality of anybody I know. Everybody likes you.

Prominent false positive: popularity would make me secure.

… You’re young and in the prime of your life!

Prominent false positive: the capturing youthfulness would make me secure.

… You’re gorgeous! I give anything to see that in the mirror!

Prominent false positive: beauty would make me secure.

… “You run this whole corporation. Look how people jump

through hoops for you!”

Prominent false positive: power would make me secure.

… Everybody looks up to you!

Prominent false positive: prestige would make me secure

… “Look at all those degrees on your wall. Are you kidding me? You’re the smartest person I know!”

Prominent false positive: credentials would make me secure.

… “You got tenure! What he worried about?”

Prominent false-positive: job certainty would make me secure.

… “You’re so lucky! You have the perfect family that loves you.”

Prominent false positive: relationships would make me secure.

… “You are set for retirement! What can you possible worry about?”

Prominent false positive: financial success makes me secure

Ø Can you identify with any of these false positives?

Ø If not, ask yourself, how would I feel if God took these things away?

Ø Complete this statement:

“If I didn’t have___________ (friendship, body shape, approval, etc.], I don’t know who I’d be. If am not (or don’t end up being) a ________ [great wife, mother, leader, hard worker, peacekeeper], I am (or will be) lost.

1.   DANGER OF INSECURITES:

a.   The danger of our false positives/deepest insecurities is that they reveal our most “tempting idols”.

§  Security outside of Christ is an idol: Anything you put more focus on, more trust in, or more importance on other than Christ, it is an idol.

ü Paul counts it all a loss: Phil. 3:8 “What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ.”

ü  Solomon says it’s all meaningless/vanity: Eph. 1:14, “I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

ü  Things of the world are passing away: 1 John 2:17, “Don’t love the world’s ways. Don’t love the world’s goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity (The Message).

b.   Affects our relationships with God and others (Inc. ministry)

§ When you are more focused on self and less on God and others, it becomes very difficult to love completely.

§ Insecurity also causes us to “settle”.

c.    Leads to Identity Crisis:

Ø Procrusteanism: The obsession of trying to make other people fit your mold (and/or trying to make ourselves fit the mold that others have for us [world]). See extreme case: Lola Ritchie (youngest human barbie)

§  Many people have an identity crisis because they don’t really know who they are and   they base their worth and value on the wrong things – what they do, what they look like, who they know, what they know, or what they own.

ASSESS: What is my heart really longing for? That’s where your treasure will be (Matt. 6:21).

IE. PROCRUSTEANISM

… rearing its big ugly head.

“Got her hair done, toes and nails, is that her? Well, it’s hard to tell, ‘cause she’s so caked up in all that makeup, it’s like she’s tryna make up for what she ain’t, but she’s a saint, but so confused; ‘cause she’s been rejected by all these dudes; that tell her on a scale of 10, she’s a two, but that ain’t true, if she only knew, in Christ, she is loved, she’s secure and accepted, she’ll never be rejected by God, who is elected her. Her beauty is her godliness, and she ain’t gotta try to flaunt it, ‘cause it’s obvious. Identity is found in the God we trust, any other identity will self-destruct.

I’m the shoes I wear. I’m not the clothes I buy. I’m not the house I live in. I’m not the car drive. I’m not the job I work. You can’t define my worth - by nothing on God’s green earth. My identity is found in Christ.” – LECRAE

PROBLEM: Looking at herself through the “eyes of guys” VS. The “eyes of Christ”

Ø The secret to overcoming insecurity is to forget who you are in the world’s eyes and think about who you are in God’s eyes; because that’s who you really are.

1.   BIBLICAL EXAMPLES OF INSECURITY:

Sarai & Hagar: Sarai became insecure when she couldn’t conceive and give Abraham a child. Nothing makes a woman battle insecurity more than feeling like she can’t give her guy what he wants.

§  Genesis 16:4-6, “He slept with Hagar and she conceived. When she knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress. Then Sarai said to Abram, “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my servant in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. The Lord judge between you and me. “Your servant is in your hands”, Abram said. Do with her whatever you think best. Then Sarah and mistreated Hagar: so she fled from her.”

Ø Threat: Notice that Hagar despised Sarai and Sarai mistreated Hagar. Many times we can trace our feelings of insecurity to a perceived threat. What are we afraid of? Who are we afraid of? What are we afraid of losing? Why are we afraid of being displaced?

Rachel & Leah:  Both sisters were married to Jacob, yet he loved Rachel. Unfortunately, Rachel was barren and her sister Leah was a baby machine in a culture that placed a high premium on baby making. Each of Leah sons bore the mark of insecurities by receiving means that reflected her emotional state at their births.

Ø Reuben: “The Lord has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.”

Ø Simeon: “Because the Lord has heard that I am not loved, gave me this one too.”

Ø Levi: “At last my husband will become attached to me.” (She’d given up on love. Now she’d just settle for an attachment. Pathetic. Let’s avoid that!)

Moses: After encountering the fiery God of heaven and earth-the great “I am”- then being used by him to turn a staff into a snake, healing a diseased hand, and then being commissioned by him to proclaim deliverance; Moses offered this retort: “But Moses pleaded with the LORD, "O Lord, I'm not very good with words. I never have been, and I'm not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled." So the Lord said, I would hope you speak and teach you what to say”; yet Moses pleaded that he send someone else to do it.

Ø Some of us will never fulfill our destiny simply because of our own insecurities. Has your insecurity affected your ministry? (i.e. Public speaking)

Saul: Scripture says Saul was an impressive young man without equal - a head taller than any of the others (1 Samuel 9:2). This dispels believe that very impressive people must be secure. When the people of Israel tried to coronate him, they couldn’t find him anywhere:

“When they looked for him, he was not to be found. So they inquired further of the Lord, “Has the men come here yet?” And the Lord said, “Yes, he has hidden himself among the baggage.” David only intensified Saul’s insecurities. Insecure people are always afraid that something for somebody is going to be taken. Saul feared the loss of power admiration, and he quickly ascertained that David would be the one to try to take them from.

Woman at the well: in the fourth chapter of John’s Gospel, we see a woman who married five losers and was living with number six. That’s like waving a huge red flag with the letters

I-N-S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y on it. She allowed her insecurities to cause her to settle for the first person who would care for her. She wasn’t allowing God to meet her provisions.

Paul: He appeals to me so much because he was enormously used of God in spite of himself. Take for instance, the way he felt the need to confirm his credentials to the people he served in Corinth by using this little twist:

Ø “I do not think I am in the least inferior to those “super-apostles”. I may not be a trained speaker, but I do have knowledge (2 Cor 11:5-6). Tell me that’s not insecurity. Continuing on… “I have made a fool of myself, but you drove me to it. I ought to have been commended by you, for I am not least inferior to the “super-apostles”, even though I have nothing.

Ø Paul fought that awful feeling that he wasn't as good as the others because they hadn’t done nearly as much wrong as he did. Sometimes our insecurities cause us to compare ourselves to others.

Don’t let it fool you:

Insecurity can make you act like an idiot in female friendships.

Insecurity can cause a mom to be over-controlling or just generally out of control.

Insecurity can turn a gifted person into the competition.

Insecurity weighs heavily on weight issues.

Insecurity can veil our vision and blind us to how BLESSED we are.

Insecurity can confine us.

Insecurity can talk us into doing things we don’t want to do.

Insecurity can make us give an entirely wrong impression.

Insecurity can make us overcompensate.

Insecurity can keep us from accepting compliments and, far worse, from accepting love.

Insecurity explodes with rejection and twists perceptions.

Insecurity can make a fool out of you, by making a liar out of.

Insecurity can turn you into a public fool.

Insecurity can make a girl look like a guy.

Insecurity can keep you from expressing the real you.

Insecurity can be a relentless robber.

** Insecurity can show up in a women’s wardrobe. The more of a woman’s body she reveals (skin, cleavage, curves); the more attention she’s attempting to gain; the greater her insecurities. A women’s attire should always be a frame her face, not her body.

            *The proverbs 31 women is: Clothed in dignity

There should be a clear distinction between the way a saved women dresses vs the way an unsaved woman dresses. 

"My thoughts and desires have completely changed... 

I have changed. I try to honor God in all that I do, even how I dress. For instance, the past few years I've been more conscious of my attire. I look in the mirror and think, "Is this too short, too tight, too flashy, too revealing... will this make another man stumble... would I want another woman to wear this around my husband?" I would rather become blind to man than become a stumbling block of lust. Am I being over the top? Can God lie?? Definitely not - consider Mark 9:42..."

 "And whosoever shall cause one of these little ones that believe on me to stumble, it were better for him if a great millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea!"

In this passage the Lord indicated it would be better for one to suffer a terrible form of capital punishment than to be guilty of this sin. The form of capital punishment that he referred to was practiced, according to Barnes, by the Greeks, Syrians, and Romans. The Lord was trying to teach us how wicked this sin really is and how it cannot be taken lightly in the Church.

Also... 

"Let us not therefore judge one another anymore: but judge this rather, that no man (no woman) put a stumbling block or an occasion to fall in his brother's way" (Rom 14:13).

Wow! LADIES -get it- you will be held accountable for your dress if it causes men to 'stumble' in their walk! Please - check yourself... make sure what you are wearing in public, even in CHURCH, is pleasing to God. "Purity of motive does not cancel the effects of your appearance"

- Al Martin. 

MEN -get it- you will be held accountable for your 'mental adultery'. Oh, how this one  burdens me (given our sex-saturated society). 

This is why it is SO vital Christians do NOT dress like the rest of the world. We are called to a higher standard - a narrow road.

"Come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you." Separate from the world, and all its corrupting influences! See Isaiah 3:11.

So how does God want women to dress?

1 Timothy 2:9 (NLT)

"And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should weardecent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensiveclothes".

Women, do not adorn yourselves with pearls and expensive clothing because it is not what we wear on the outside that makes us beautiful or of worth, rather it is what's on the inside. God tells us what is beautiful in His eyes: 

"The Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart" (1 Sam. 16:7). 

How much better for a woman to clothe herself in virtue!

**SERMON: “Ladies, does how you dress cause men to lust?” – Al Martin

1.   Rooting it out:

a.     Instability in the home

b.     Significant loss

c.      Rejection

d.     Dramatic change

e.     Personal limitations

f.       Personal Disposition

g.     Culture

h.     Pride

*Pray for the Holy Spirit to reveal your roots of insecurity*

2.   Repetitive reactions to a trigger:

a.     Defensive

b.     Binge

c.      Immediately withdrawal

d.     Drink; self-medicate

e.     Shout; rage

f.       Subject loved ones to interrogations

g.     Grow cold and become punishing

h.     Cry hysterically and beg for acceptance and love

i.       Compulsive self-gratification: porn, danger, self-mutilation

3.   Healing:

a.     Romans 12:2 “Transformed by the renewing of your mind”

§ Stop believing the lies of Satan and living in fear.

b.     John 14:14, “If you ask me for anything in my name, I will do it."

c.      Jeremiah 17:14 “Heal me, LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.”

d.     Focus/meditate on God’s promises for your life

MASKS THAT HIDE OUR INSECURITES:

1.      DEFENSIVENESS – This was evident in the life of one of most insecure people in the Bible, King Saul. (There are a lot of examples of insecurity in Bible characters: Noah, Abraham, Gideon, the 10 Spies, Elijah, etc.) But King Saul is a textbook case on insecurity. He was defensive whenever approached by the prophet Samuel. Samuel would come to Saul with the word from God and Saul would put up his guard. (1 Samuel 13).  

Ø  One time King Saul wouldn’t wait for Samuel to arrive at a battle scene against the Philistines, so Saul offered sacrifices as if he were a priest. 11 Samuel asked, "What have you done?" Saul answered, "I saw the soldiers leaving me, (his soldiers were afraid and insecure and so they were going AWOL – Note: we can’t afford to allow ourselves to be infected with the insecurity of others!) and you were not here when you said you would be... 12 Then I thought, ’The Philistines will come against me at Gilgal, and I haven’t asked for the Lord’s approval.’ So I forced myself to offer the whole burnt offering." 1 Sam. 13:11-12

Ø  He did not do all of what God told him to do in the battle with the Amelekites. When Samuel challenged his disobedience he was defensive. He argued that he had disobeyed God because of the people. Insecurity. He was afraid of losing the approval of the people. 

Ø  And Saul was a big guy - stood head and shoulders above everyone else. (1 Sam. 9:2) Security isn’t about physical size or strength! When he found out he had been chosen as Israel’s first king (because the Israelites were insecure and wanted to be like other nations) he hid himself among the baggage. (1 Samuel 10:22) 

Ø  His insecurities were exemplified in his paranoia of David and his consultation with the witch of Endor. He consulted of a medium in cahoots with Satan instead of consulting with God, but it was his defensiveness against God that lost him his kingdom. Instead of being insecure he could have realized that everything God asked him to do was for his own good and for the good of those around him. He could have realized that God was with him. I could preach an entire message on Saul’s insecurities and what we can learn from them. But for now, ask yourself, “Do I have a tendency toward defensiveness when others share Word of God with me, or, when they challenge my opinion at all? Can I stand to have my opinion challenged, or am I too insecure for that?

2.      SELFISHNESS - (Lk. 16:14 – “the Pharisees, who loved money”…then Jesus tells the story of the rich man and Lazarus) "Woe to you who are complacent on Mt. Zion, and to you who feel secure…4 You lie on beds inlaid with ivory and lounge on your couches. You dine on choice lambs and fattened calves. 5 You strum away on your harps like David and improvise on musical instruments. 6 You drink wine by the bowlful and use the finest lotions, but you do not grieve over the ruin of Joseph." Amos 6:1, 4-6 (NIV) 

Do you attempt to find security by surrounding yourself with possessions or accolades or attention from your “things?” Are you reluctant to share with others? Are you reluctant to even give praise and compliment others? Do you cringe when someone else praises them because you want to be the one getting most if not all of the recognition? When you don’t get your way, are you difficult to live with? Must you have that feeling of validation when you get your way? Do you show others your dark side when you don’t get your way? Is this because you “feel secure” and important because of what you have?

3.      ACCOMODATION – The Apostle Paul wrote to the churches of Galatia, which were falling prey to false teachers because of their insecurity. He wrote, "Do you think I am trying to make people accept me? No, God is the One I am trying to please. Am I trying to please people? If I still wanted to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10 (NCV) 

Paul was not an accommodating preacher/teacher, but the false teachers at Galatia were manipulating people by their insecurities. That is a big problem by the way. If you don’t successfully manage your insecurities, you will be easily manipulated and exploited by others! 

You say, “How can I recognize this in myself?” Do you attempt to gain the approval of others by bending over backwards to please them. Do you have a difficult time saying “no” because you fear someone won’t love you if you don’t do what he or she asks? 

4.      INDULGENCE – (addictive behavior) Do you battle weight problems, do you battle lust, do you struggle with secret sins? Of course nothing is secret from God: Psalm 90:8 says, "… and you know all of our sins, even those we do in secret."

Do you indulge yourself in bad attitudes like jealousy, envy, bitterness, etc.? Do you coddle certain sins because you feel justified in them due to insecurity? Perhaps your parents didn’t show you the love and respect you longed for, so you started seeking it in indulgent and addictive behavior in an attempt to quiet your inner battle with insecurity. 

5.      JUDGMENTALISM – Jesus said, "Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ’Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor. Jesus – Matthew 7:1-5

Do you find yourself being negative and critical of everything and everyone? Not “constructively” critical but “destructively” critical. Are you consistently finding fault with others and the way they do things? Our insecurity causes us to do this because our fallen nature subconsciously and incorrectly concludes that if we tear others down it will build us up. And we so badly want to be built up, we want to feel good about ourselves, we want to feel secure so much that we tear others down. It’s sad.

The good news is that we don’t have to resort to any of these bad behaviors! We can become confident people through a positive, encouraging resource. We can overcome our insecurity, even though it’s a daily battle, by realizing how much God loves us!

One of my favorite Scriptures on this is this verse from Zephaniah:

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV) 

God loves you so much that He takes great delight in you! He sings over you like a mother singing lullabies over her child! I can’t think of any place more secure than a babe in its mother’s arms, and that mom singing a lullaby to her child! God says, “That’s how much I love you! That’s what I have to offer you! I have security for you! You don’t have to be insecure. You don’t have to resort to destructive forms of behavior in order to feel loved and to feel good about yourself.” 

If you have accepted Christ you are God’s beloved child! He adores you! He loves you! He even likes you! He wants to hang out! If you haven’t accepted Christ yet – God longs for you to do so! God wants you to experience incredible joy by overcoming you insecurities by His love!

Before Jesus went back to heaven He said this to His followers: “Until now you have not asked for anything in My name. Ask and you will receive, so that your joy will be the fullest possible joy.” John 16:24 (NCV)

Circle, “the fullest possible joy.” God wants you to experience the “fullest possible joy!” God celebrates your life! Therefore you should celebrate your life too! Celebrate the lives of those you love! 

Maybe there is someone here who doesn’t feel loved. You don’t feel special. You don’t feel treasured. I want to stand before you as God’s spokesmen and ask you to repent. Repent of not feeling loved. Embrace your status before God as being loved by God. Embrace your status as his treasure, the apple of His eye. Embrace the view of yourself that God has of you! 

God’s Word isn’t just about teaching and telling people what they’ve done wrong and what they ought to do and should have done but its about telling us that God loves us! 

We are loved. WE CAN BEAT INSECURITY! We can beat worry. We can get out of debt. We can develop discipline to spend time in the Word and prayer. We can loose weight. We can restore relationships. We can reach people with the Good News about Jesus! We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us! 

Too much of our thinking is just the opposite. It is not positive and uplifting. It is not hope-filled and faith-filled, and certainly not love-filled. It’s, “poor me, nobody loves me. Nobody wants to hang out with me. Nobody cares.” Who wants to bathe in that kind of dirty water? God does love you! Those who love God love you! Turn to several people all around you and say, “God loves you and so do I!”

We can overcome our insecurity because the greatest individual in the universe, God Himself, loves us! We can be significantly more loving, noticeably more joyful, more visibly at peace.